1000 Ways To Do It Wrong

Years ago I was on the phone with one of my mentors. The topic of the conversation I do not recall. What I do remember, was that I was trying to figure out the “right” way to do something. In my narrow thinking at that time I thought there was only one right way and one wrong way. When I was explaining to my mentor that I just wanted to find the right way she stopped me dead in my tracks. “Honey” she said, “There are 1000 ways to do something. 1000 ways to do it right, and 1000 ways to do it wrong.” It is a concept I have embraced from that day forward. I have embraced the wrong way, as much as the right. Interestingly, the “wrong” way has been right, as often as the right way, and vice versa. Get out there and find your 1000 wrong ways…

Choosing With My Heart

My goal for a rare weekend off was what seemed like a fairly simple one… To have a quiet weekend of nothing, no commitments, no demands, nothing… Although I did end up with some commitments I also had 30 hours alone. At about hour 24 I accepted two truths in my life.

Number one: It is time for me to plan a vacation. Not a trip, not time with family, not time on anyone else’s schedule, a vacation of my own. I love my family, I love my friends, heck I even love my job… and because I love all of it so much I tend to over do it. This weekend off has shown me how much I need an extended time to relax and slow down. It takes me a good two days just to downshift because slowing down is so counter to my nature. It sometimes is precipitated by a life altering experience that causes me to do it but I would like to be more intentional in my life. I would like to create more breathing space for my heart…

This brings me to truth number two: The way I love is FULL OUT, whether it is family, friends or romance; I am not much of a half measures kind of gal. I have been wildly, illogically, irrationally in love with only two men in my life, one of them I married, the other I dated. And although neither relationship was a lifelong one, I would not have missed either of them. Even if I had known how heartbroken I would feel at the end of each of them, I would not have missed it on either account. Sometimes there are parts of ourselves we get to experience only when we are in the presence of the right people and at the right time. And with those two men this was true for me. Sometimes people on the outside looking in, cannot understand why I have made the decisions I have made about love. And even in the face judgment or disapproval or outright anger I have always chosen with my heart.

I have been contemplating a quote attributed to Steve Jobs:

“.. almost everything – all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.”

I agree with Mr. Jobs. There is no reason to not follow my heart. The level of heartbreak I felt over those two men was worth it. There is no love without heartbreak. I can be in a relationship (or friendship for that matter) with someone and feel heartbroken or a relationship can end and I can feel heartbroken. There is no immunity to pain. In either case the truly important part for me isn’t the heartbreak or pain, it is that I brought my heart to the party and played full out.

I will never look back and wish I hadn’t done it. As I write this I wonder if it sounds like I would do it again. If I had to do it over, I would choose them again, even knowing the heartbreak that was on the way. As I sit today would I reunite with either of them? No. The romantic part of our story together has been written already, and that loop is closed for me. I will forever love them for being woven into the tapestry of my life. Do I welcome them in my life? Yes, if they choose to be a part of it.

Will I choose with my heart again and love full out? ABSOLUTELY!

Freefalling

Dropping at 120 mph for 45 seconds at 10,000 feet seemed like a good idea at the time...

It was 4th of July weekend. I had just gotten my heart broken and needed to do something to jolt myself out of the sadness and I knew my ordinary means of cajoling myself were not going to cut it. So what's a girl to do? Jump out of a perfectly good airplane... Why did I choose skydiving? Beats me! It is the one extreme sport I said I would never do, but at that moment I needed to scare myself a little so I could feel alive. There I was with one foot still inside the plane and the rest of me standing on the platform outside the plane with my instructor asking me "are you ready to skydive?" My answer "why not".

For the first 5 seconds of free-falling through the sky I could not catch my breath, much like the beginning of a break up. Everything seemed foreign and in slow motion. I felt paralyzed and scared. Then I opened my mouth and inhaled and my whole body relaxed. I had been holding my breath. For the next 40 seconds I could feel the wind on my body, I could hear the sound of the speed with which we were racing towards the ground, and I felt the complete freedom of dropping from the sky. If I could have continued to free-fall longer, I would have said yes.

As unnerving as it was in the beginning of the jump, throwing myself out of that airplane and embracing the free-fall set me free. Just as embracing the break up, has freed me to pursue other adventures.

My next free-fall? Hopping in my race car and competing in a road race around Nebraska this week. And yours?